Do you know the dates where your crush of five months finally asks you out and shows up at your door with floors?
I certainly don’t. Does this actually happen anymore?
These days, thanks to the many dating apps at our disposal, first dates are rarely accompanied by any emotional extremes on my part. Going on a first date is akin to crossing off another item on the day’s to-do list.
Looking back, I’ve gone on enough first dates to cast the next ten seasons of the “Bachelorette.” I swear, I’m (relatively) normal. If you were to put all of the men I’ve dated in a police lineup, I wouldn’t recall anything notable about most of them. The real stand-outs, of course, are the outliers: the truly terrible and the truly great.
Let’s talk terrible. As most of us can attest, there’s nothing worse than sitting across from a guy and knowing you want the date to be over the moment it starts. Your mind does what your body can’t. It wanders.
Here are eight thoughts that go through all of our minds when we are on a downward-spiraling date:
“OMG I just want to get home and finish watching ‘Orange Is The New Black.’”
Time is limited and the DVR is full. First dates are particularly awful when you know this precious evening could be spent binge-watching episodes. Instead, you’re stuck on a boring date, and the number of episodes you can knock out before bed is dwindling by the second.
“Did he just say he was a magician by trade?”
Yes, he did. But unless he can cast a magical spell on me, there is no way I’m going out with him again.
“Hell yes, I have leftover pizza at home.”
If and when you will get properly fed on a date is incredibly confusing. He asks you out for a date during prime dinner hours, but he shoos the waiter when he asks for our order.
He didn’t even ask if I was hungry.
Now, my stomach is rumbling, and I just hope I can make it out of here without dying of hunger.
“I really wish I were a terrible person so I could just get up and leave.”
I’m not, though. I want to run and never look back, but unfortunately, most of us were raised with at least some semblance of manners.
No matter how much Jim gabs on about how everyone at his office thinks he’s the shit, I still can’t justify rocketing myself far away from this mess.
“Wow, I hate you.”
I am well aware that hate is a strong word. When you are trapped on a terrible date, some of these people bring out pretty strong feelings of disgust.
Mostly, it’s reserved for the guy who invites himself back to your apartment after 20 minutes or the one who tells you he typically dates models. Hate is for the guys who are so offensive that you feel like you’re on a date with Donald Trump, minus the overflowing wallet.
“This isn’t worth the calories.”
I try my hardest not to be the girl who only orders a salad on the first date, even though I just want a salad sometimes. I am pretty health-conscious and try to employ the 80/20 rule of eating. Just call me Olivia Munn.
When I’m taking advantage of the 20 percent, I want it to be worth it. That 20 percent is special, and I’ll be damned if I waste it on some insignificant guy.
“We were on a break!”
When the date has reached peak awfulness, sometimes the only thing you can do is dissociate from the moment and start watching your favorite episode of “Friends” in your head. Why can’t more guys look like Joey, make me laugh like Chandler, and love me like Ross? Is that too much to ask?
“Oh, no, he’s about to kiss me.”
I truly thought I perfected the post-date ditch when you’re finally making your exit. Unfortunately, some people just don’t know how to take a hint.
When I say I don’t need you to walk me to my car, it means I’d much rather risk being mugged in a dark alley than to have to spend another minute with you. Of course, he insists. Then, like a shark attack, his tongue is in my mouth.
Being the polite woman that I am, I give him the ol’ “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” before shutting down that date forever.