We all know one — well, if you’re lucky, it’s just one.
Maybe you matched with him on Tinder months ago; maybe you went to a party once and he was a friend of a friend of a frat boy; maybe he’s a one-night stand who doesn’t understand the “one” part of that phrase.
Whoever he is he owns at least one “ironic” hat and he texts you all the goddamn time.
He has already wasted enough of your time. Don’t let him waste anymore. This copywriter has you covered.
Simply copy and paste and get ready to torture:
1. The Classic “You Up?”
This one takes some time. You have to wait until the next morning.
This will be easier than you think because this text usually comes at 4 am anyways. You probably aren’t up in the first place. Was it because you drank a bottle of Merlot and passed out watching reruns of “Law and Order: SVU” at 10 pm on a Saturday night?
It doesn’t matter, you will never tell. No matter what you were doing, the text is clear: “Sorry, I was out with friends… Lol super late. Things got wild.”
You have regained the power. You were having so much fun without him. Plus, what was that “wild” thing? He will only be able to imagine what that could mean. Another man? A crazy cool party? Be vague.
2. The Dreaded Unsolicited Dick Pic
If it is unsolicited, it is always gross. Even if it is solicited, it’s sometimes gross.
Men do not know their angles. Well, just to let everyone know, the best angle is a shot of literally any other part of a man’s body. This one isn’t a hard one (pun intended); you are going to want to shame him. If only so he never tried this with anyone again.
First type “LOL” and then wait a couple minutes. Preferably you are on an iPhone or messenger, so the little typing dots come up.
As he comes to a peak of panic, type a second message. This one should make a comment on literally anything else that is in the picture. Does he show the length with a remote? Then say, “I have Comcast too.” Is there a carpet in the background? “That’s some ugly shag.”
If there is nothing in the picture, simply say, “nothing for scale? Didn’t want it to seem small eh?” If he sends a follow up, go back to commenting on the background.
3. “Send Pics”
If he doesn’t say “nudes,” you can always just send a selfie, just to see him get frazzled. But if he says nudes or if you just feel uncomfortable sending anything to him (like he would get off to a selfie), just say “I only send nudes when the guy will trade for them.” Send.
Start new text, “and I totally don’t want yours. Sry.”
4. “Ur Super Sexxi”
Really any compliment, no matter how misspelled or dumb, can always be met with a “thank you. I know.”
If you are really feeling saucy, there is the even more devastating, “oh I know.”
He’s thirsty, don’t quench him in anyway. Nothing is more damaging to fuckboys than a woman with confidence.
5. [Insert gross sexual innuendo.]
It takes a master fuckboy to say something like “I want you to have sex with me.” Most will try to disguise their intentions. They can do this in so many ways, the most famous being, “netflix and chill? Lol”
But they may get creative, like “I want to cuddle you” or “What I wouldn’t do to be alone with you tonight…” Whatever they say, just play dumb.
Netflix and Chill? “Sorry I need to finish ‘Jessica Jones’ and need to do it in complete silence. SEASON 2!” My bed is so cold? “I got this great quilt. Target $15!”
If they want to hit, make them say it. Most won’t.
6. And when he starts getting mad…
If you have gotten through the rest of these, he is probably pissed by now. He thinks he has a right to you. He doesn’t. And you have beat him down.
He might lash out. He may call you names, like “slut” or “whore”; he might make some complaint about the friendzone?
There are two responses.
“I am? That means? Wow you couldn’t get with a slut?”
Or better yet, the master class: